So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
