toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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