Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
