i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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