I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
