So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Houston, we have a blender
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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