I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I understand Curling. That high.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
