just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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