you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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