this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
