Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
