I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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