my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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