everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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