then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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