I am puke
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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