my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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