remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
