I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
