Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize