I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
