I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
