I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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