im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
