Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
