Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
