Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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