:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
