a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
