omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
