Do you still have your period?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
