i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
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Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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