I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
