i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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