New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
