another moral hangover. fuck.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
