My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
