I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
