they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's just like the Real World with babies
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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