Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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