my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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