it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
