Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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