I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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