The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
