do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
