shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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