I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
