he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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