I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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