Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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