I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
