I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
