I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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